ego atau ego

Penat. Cukup penat melayan kerenah manusia yang berbeza-beza. Tetapi perkara seperti tu yang mengajar aku erti kesabaran kerana aku tau aku pun ada kerenah yang tak semua orang boleh cope.

Sebab tu aku lebih suka menyendiri untuk mengelakkan diri daripada manusia yang kuat komen. Dan jika aku ditakdirkan berhadapan dengan orang yang komen sana komen sini, aku lebih rela berdiam diri kerana aku tau jika aku buka saja mulut aku untuk berkata-kata maka perang dunia ketiga bakal meletus.

Kadang-kadang komen sinis mereka walau rasa macam tak penting dan menyakitkan hati tapi sebenarnya ada betul jugak if we give it a second thought. Mungkin aku ni yang terlampau egois.

Mungkin? *gelak

#sipemalas

Di saat aku tengah malas tahap kedewaan dan lagha sepanjang masa, terjumpa pula cerita klise-tapi-bermotivasi-tinggi homeless to harvard di youtube.

Sedang dunia sekeliling kau jatuh. Kau bangkit. Dan terus bangkit. Persetankan apa orang lain kata. Yang penting, kau bangkit dan maju ke depan. Walau sedepa.





Sentap.

Macam tau-tau je.

perpisahan

perpisahan itu adat biasa,
hilang di mata, hati tak lupa,
tapi kenapa perit dirasa,
bagai ditusuk panahan durjana.

andai ini takdirNya,
maka pergilah kau ke sana,
mohon kenanglah segala memori,
segala tempuhan onak dan duri.

sunyi sepi tiada canda menyapa,
yang ada hanya memori lama,
kan ku selalu ada di sisimu,
walau kau sudah tiada di sampingku.

i will love you unconditionally pals.

di sebalik

bergelak ketawa,
riang gembira,
tak bermakna tiada apa yang menyelubungi hati,
tak bermakna tiada kesulitan yang menimpa diri,
di sebalik senyuman yang terukir di bibir,
di sebalik gelak tawa tanpa henti,
kelihatan seorang insan bak dirobek robek hatinya,
"bantulah aku!" hatinya berbicara
namun, tiada siapa yang mendengarnya.

lihatlah,
pandanglah,
tengoklah,
masih lagi kau buta.

insecurity

Salam.

we often heard quotes related to loving oneself, for examples, "love yourselves", "you're beautiful just the way you are" and so many more.

but as motivating as it were, there will be tiny bits of yourself saying the opposite (ie; your insecurities).  everybody has their own little insecurities here and there. well maybe you don't, but i do sometimes. do i look good enough today? do my friends like me?

but then i came across this quote;

"O my son! The dunya is a deep ocean in which many have drowned! Let your ship be taqwallah (fear of Allah), and load your ship with imaan-bellah (believe in Allah), and let her sail be tawakkal (turst) on Allaah! Hopefully you will survive then." -Luqman al-Hakim

 (Kitaab Dham Ad-Dunya, 1/91)

i realized that your insecurities will come and consume you if you become so attach to this wordly life. if you know and kept in mind that this dunya is only temporary, then all of your insecurites will wash away just like that.

be somebody in the eyes of Allah, even if you're nobody in the eyes of people.

am i making the right decision?

Salam.

i woke up this morning feeling all gloomy inside. i looked at the clock and it said 4.30 am. i remembered that i slept whilst studying physics last night for today's test. since i haven't finished studying yet so i decided to run through some of my physics notes. after some time, i started to feel sleepy again. i looked at the clock and it said 5.15am. thinking to myself, it's still too early for me to take a bath. so then, i decided to perform my ablution and followed by 2 rakaahs of tahajjud prayer.

after tahajjud prayer, still on the prayer mat, my mind wandered around a bit. thinking about stuffs. well mostly about life. what exactly i wanna be when i grow up. is it really a dentist? or is it something else.

i've once said this to one of my classmates, "ain tak tahu nape ain amik dentist. padahal ain memang tak suka menghafal. i like stuffs like maths dan seangkatan dengannya)"

she replied, "habis tu? macam mana? sempat lagi nak tukar ni ain."

honestly, i was hoping for a different response, like, "lama lama datang lah tu minatnya."

but i was glad actually she said that to me (thank you, you-know-who-you-are). it made me re-think about my decision. i began to contemplate. imagining myself back to the starting point, back to the day when i was busy signing up my upu forms, choosing carefully, which course should i major in and which university should i apply to.

and then it hit me.

all the things that i was hoping to find. i found it at that exact moment.

i've been exposed to this career since i was little. well my dad's a medical officer so that's why. he often talked about how advantageous you are when you become a doctor. when one of your family members become sick, you can help to treat them, especially when that family member is not the person with a lot of money. altho he didn't say it out loud, i know that deep inside, he's hoping that one of his children will follow his footsteps. he talked about many other stuffs too. and to my surprise, i didn't feel annoyed at all. infact, i actually loved hearing all of his stories about being a doctor. all of his encounters with different type of patients and so much more. only by hearing his stories, i fell in love with this career instantly. altho at this stage right now i've diverged a bit from the supposed path (i'm not taking medicine, instead i'm taking dentistry) but still, i'm on the same road of becoming a doctor.

"hidup kita nak capai redha Allah dan keredhaan Allah terletak pada keredhaan ibu bapa."

 and so, i've remembered why i chose this path in the first place.